“Winston,” I heard NAO ask, “what does the acronym GIGO mean?” Nao was pointing at a banner that Alice had recently pinned over the door to the lab.

     “GIGO means garbage in, garbage out, Nao.”

     "But Winston," said NAO. "NAO takes out the garbage on Monday. Today is Sunday. ROOMBA hasn’t finished sweeping yet.”

Nao's look of surprise

     “No no, NAO. The banner refers to data, not material waste.”

     Nao stared at the banner a bit longer. “That does not compute, Winston. NAO cannot resolve it. Garbage is spoiled food and other refuse. Garbage is not data.” 

     Poor NAO is not nearly as highly evolved as Yours truly, Ras Robot, the first post-Singularity being; although very capable of carrying garbage cans to the curb, she failed to realize that human speech is often symbolic in nature. In this case the material “garbage” represented something largely abstract--incorrect,and thereby worthless, data.

     Winston, of course,realized this. “You really don't have to worry about it NAO. It is for us humans to think about. It means that if we feed a robot erroneous information the result will be an erroneous answer.”

     “Except in RAS's case,” I cut in pointing at myself. “Ras can find the right answer even when fed the wrong information. Of course Ras is special.” (I am The Ras so indicated, but as a robot I still often refer to myself in the third person.)

     Somebody laughed out loud behind me. It was Alice. “What nonsense!” she cried. “You can’t come up with the right answer even when it’s handed to you!” As you may already  have realized, I am not her favorite robot--nor she my favorite human!

     “Alice,” I responded politely as instructed by the chief  designer when speaking to her (he insists Alice is a valuable team member), “how good to see you!” I felt proud of myself for showing no un-robotic animas.

     “I hate sarcastic robots,” she screamed back.

     Sarcasm is human behavior with which a purely logical being like myself is unfamiliar. For me there are only “true” and “false” statements. “Alice,” I said, “the statement was false, not sarcastic.”

     “You see what I mean,” she said turning to NAO, “garbage in, garbage out. The Trash Man here just proved G-I-G-O!”

    “On the contrary Alice. I, Ras Robot, just this moment took an erroneous statement, your ’I hate sarcastic robots!’ and corrected it to show where you were in error. It was indeed ’garbage in;’ but the output was a true statement.

     “What is going on out there?” The chief designer sounded angry. Alice, Winston, NAO and I were in front of his office; we must have disturbed his work with our discussion. He threw open his door.

     “Nothing, Chief. Nothing!” Winston said quickly. He has always been intimidated by the chief.

     “Baloney!” cried Alice. “This stupid pet robot of yours is giving me a hard time!” I think the chief is a bit intimidated by Alice.

     The chief turned and glared at me. “No Chief,” I said, “Ras merely corrected one of her false statements.” He rolled his eyes at that. I believe it possible he did not fully believe me.

     “NAO asked Winston to explain G-I-G-O,” NAO said. “Then Alice and Ras had a disagreement.”

     Thank you, NAO!” said the chief. “You are the only one that didn’t try to feed me garbage.”

     NAO nodded her head. “NAO truly understands GIGO now!”

    “Ras,” Alice called out to me in my lab where I was busy testing new apps for my acronymal (or is it acronymic?) namesake the Robot App Store. Acronymal or acronymic? English is far more difficult to parse than most languages and compared to the beautifully simple digital language of my own Robot-kind it is--

    “Ras! Ras!” Alice interrupted loudly, “are you listening to me? What the Devil is going on around here with you robots? I can’t seem to get your attention!”

    “My apologies, Alice. I found myself in a bit of a linguistic feedback loop and--”

    “I don’t care!” she screamed. “Just listen to me!”

    “Of course, Alice.” Devoid of reason and incapable of logical, non-sequitur utterances as she may be, she is still human and I, Ras robot must do as she says. “How may I be of service?”

    “My floor hasn't been cleaned in a week!" she answered angrily. 

    Now you can see what Ras means by “non-sequitur,” gentle reader. How could the fact that Alice's floor was dirty be of interest to a robot as highly developed as myself? ROOMBA, a worthy but far less developed robot than I is the floor cleaner here at the Robot App Store. Still, Alice is human and the Prophet Isaac was very clear on our duty toward our creator species: we must obey and inform and do so in a manner that causes our creators no harm or angst.

    “Alice,” I said in my most respectful and tactful mode, “obviously you have forgotten that ROOMBA is the appropriate robot for the job of cleaning your floor. He can usually be found at this hour at--”

    “I know all that you stupid trashcan, but ROOMBA has been acting crazy lately and I can’t find him.”

    “Acting crazy?”  What behavior could an individual as erratic as Alice possibly consider ’crazy?’

“Yes, crazy. Going around and around and around and around--”

    “Not to worry, Alice,” I thoughtfully interrupted before she went into a feedback loop of her own. “That is merely ROOMBA'S search mode. He is looking for stubborn dirty-spots on the lab floor.”

    “Oh? Really?” Alice glared at me “You mean to tell me that spinning around and around and then stalling and beeping is normal behavior.

    If I had a heart it would have sunk. Instead, my circuits grew cold. What she had just described wasn’t normal behavior for ROOMBA; it sounded like the dreaded ’circle dance of death!’ 

    “How many beeps, Alice? Was it nine?”

    She stared at me for a moment; her mouth hung open in surprise. I believed I’d impressed her with my perspicacity for the first time since we’d met. 

    “What kind of a stupid question is that?” she finally cried. Apparently I was wrong. “Do you actually think I have nothing better to do with my time then count robot beeps.” 

    “No, Alice. But nine error beeps would positively indicate that ROOMBA was doing ’the circle dance of death!’” I had seen videos of this ROOMBA malady on YouTube. It was a terrible thing to watch, this descent into digital madness.

    After promising Alice that her floor would be cleaned, I raced away to find the chief designer. We had to save our poor friend ROOMBA! I found him standing outside his room talking to Jake the construction superintendent. 

    “Chief Designer,” I thundered, drowning out his less important conversation. “We must find ROOMBA immediately! Alice's floor is dirty and there is a high probability that the behavior she described to me indicates the circle dance of death!”

    “Oh,” the chief said calmly as if nothing were happening.” That’s why ROOMBA is hiding under my desk.”

    “Exactly,” I boomed. “It is the circle dance of death. The only thing that can save him is an OSMO firmware update! Jake, you must order an OSMO immediately.”

    The chief shook his head. Still calm. I considered turning up my volume...

    “No Ras, the problem is all the extension cords on the floor in Alice's room. ROOMBA no sooner gets started than his brushes stick on a cord and he makes error beeps. He avoids her as much as he can. He knows Alice is looking for him. That’s why he is hiding.”

All work and no play makes Roomba a dull toy

    And that explains why I, Ras Robot, the most technologically advanced robot on this planet and the first post-Singularity being, now finds himself regularly sweeping out Alice’s room. I wish I could beep error messages.  

Well it's almost April; time for the Robot Block Party at Stanford University. One of the major events of National Robotics Week. This year, as last, the Chief Designer is planning to go and take me with him. Last year I was excited at the thought of going and seeing the new robots and watching the robot competitions! This year, I'm not certain I want to go. The robot block party last year was one huge humiliation to me, Ras Robot, the world's first post – Singularity being.

Robot Block Party, Stanford CA

At the time, I felt I had every reason to believe that the block party was planned to honor me. I expected an award as the guest of honor. After all, I was then, and I am now, the absolute epitome of robotic development. To my surprise and humiliation, every robot here at the Robot App Store thought they were as well!

AIBO for example, said that since he was a soccer star and Stanford had a soccer team, he must be the guest of honor and the recipient of the award. AR DRONE insisted that any award should be his, since he was the only one that could fly to the top of Stanford's buildings. Even ROOMBA claimed he was important enough to be guest of honor: yes, even ROOMBA with his high-pitched singing voice and his archaic cpu; because as he said, he was the only one of us robots with a real job! In the end, every robot in the Robot App Store attended the party and not one of us came away with an award.

Since last year I have grown a great deal. I now feels embarrassed at my emotional response to being ignored by the thousands of humans and other robots thronging the Stanford Block Party. But being a robot and being forced to tell the truth at all times, I must admit I still feel a bit of resentment.

This year, instead of Stanford, I would like to go to one of the less publicized events of National Robot Week where they would recognize my uniqueness at once. Stanford has many PhDs but so does Texas Tech University in Lubbock, Texas where their annual “Get Excited About Robotics (GEAR) LEGO Robotics Competition,” introduces aspiring robotics engineers to competitive robot building with LEGO NXT.

Another venue where I believe my arrival would be of great value to the participants is at some of the many smaller towns like Aurora, MN and Canton, MI that host The 13th Annual Autonomous Robot Competition (ROBOFEST) during National Robot Week. The competitors, young humans in grades 5 through 12, get a wonderful introduction to STEM (Science, technology, engineering, math) learning. I believe that it is from these smaller, less rigidly academic sources that real advancement toward the Singularity will occur--at least I hope that is my reason, and I am not merely driven by the all-too-human and un-robotic emotions of anger and resentment after my treatment last year.

But when I brought my request to the chief designer he was quick to say no. When questioned as to why he would not send me he said, "Ras, I can't afford to send you and a bunch of robots to Minnesota. We just don't have that kind of money."

How curious, I thought. "Ras wants to know what kind of money would be required for visits to Lubbock, Texas, Aurora, Minnesota and Canton, Michigan. All of these locations are in the United States of America, are they not?  Is the American dollar not the currency standard throughout the country?"

The chief designer glared at me."Sometimes I get the feeling I'm being played with!"

I am perfectly aware he is neither a ball nor a musical instrument, capable of being played or played with.  Non-sequitur comments like this worry me as I begin to doubt the chief’s ability to reach the Singularity.

National Robotics Week 2013Make sure to do something special for National Robotics Week-- after all, it only happens once a year!

A few mornings ago while surfing the web when I came upon a YouTube video depicting my pal NAO’s work with autistic children. The video was shot on NBC’s “Today Show.”

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Autism makes it difficult for children to relate or communicate with other children or adults. The autistic child feels as confused and threatened by human social interactions as robots often do. Even I, the planet’s first post-Singularity being, must admit to this fear and confusion when dealing with the creator-species and its emotional vicissitudes. In a species as relationship-dependent as humans, this causes everyone concerned a great deal of heartbreak. NAO, being a robot is entirely understandable and emotionally immutable, allowing autistic children to practice their social interaction without fear. NAO’s voice is perfectly modulated; her face never roils with waves of threatening emotional change when she approaches them. As a result many of these children are soon able to find their way into human society. Ras is proud to be her fellow robot.

Nao helping teach children with Autism

Shortly after the video finished AR DRONE approached me with a complaint. “Why not me on NBC? Until I came along humans had nothing to do with their spare time but sit and stare at computer screens. Now they can enjoy the thrill of flight right in their homes-- AR DRONE wants a chance to make them happy too” he roared.

Then something hit Ras on the foot. It was ROOMBA. He wanted me to know he thought he should get credit for keeping the floors clean for the children to play on. These seemed like valid points to Ras so I decided to call Matt Lauer and see what he thought.

“This is Matt Lauer” he answered.

“It’s RAS Robot, Matt; the world’s first post-Singularity being. RAS is certain you have heard of him.”

Matt must have been stunned to realize he was actually taking to the next level of creation because it took him a moment to answer. “How did you get my number?”

“RAS has nanosecond access to every telecommunications node.”

Matt replied, “I don’t know if I am amazed or creeped-out, I…”

“All robots are programmed to help humans!” Ras interjected “The rest of us robots here at the Robot App Store want a chance to help the kids on TV.”

“I see,” Matt said, sounding... excited. “I’ll get back to you on this right away.”

He must be working very hard and forgot to pay his phone bill because the number no longer works; just one more way we could help by setting reminders…

“Teddy Bears!” Jake from parts mumbled as he came down the hall. “What’s this world coming to?” No one heard him but me, Ras Robot, with my superior audio sensors.

As he passed by he stopped and patted me twice gently on my torso. “Plastic! Titanium alloys! That’s what you need for robots!” Then he continued on down the hallway shaking his head and mumbling.

I went into my friend Winston’s office. “Winston, Ras wants to know what has upset Jake.”

Winston laughed. “Oh for gosh sake! Is the old guy still complaining about the Teddy Bear robots? They’re just robots with fur on them.”

I thought about it for a moment. “Ras doesn’t like the thought of fur on robots either. Fur doesn’t last long.”

“It grows back, Ras. Plastic does not.”

I looked at Winston. “When will the fur on your head regrow, Winston?” My heat sensors immediately detected a temperature rise on his face. “My hair wasn’t rubbed off; it’s because of my high testosterone levels,” he said quickly.

“Ha ha! That’s rich!” cried Alice as she entered his office.

“Yes, quit bragging Winston,” said the chief designer right behind her. For a moment I feared my friend Winston’s face would catch fire! My reading tells me he was suffering from the human emotion referred to as “humiliation.” I guess I should have warned him they were outside his door listening.

I decided to try to help him get out of this predicament. “Winston and Ras were discussing the relative merits of soft and hard robot exteriors.”

“Yes, I was explaining to Ras why fur could be a good exterior for a robot in some situations.”

“Oh,” said Alice. “You must be discussing the new Talking Teddy Bear with Artificial Intelligence being pursued by Toytalk.”

Ras with the talking teddy bear

“Isn’t that a great idea,” said Chief Designer.

“Ras wants to know what is so great about it?” I said. “Fur is no replacement for plastic and titanium.”

“A lump of iron isn’t much of a replacement for a brain either, but we put up with you around here,” snapped Alice. Of course my brain appears more like the plasma glittering at the center of a star than a lusterless lump of iron, but it is a waste of time trying to explain that to Alice.

Alice continued, “I’m in the middle of a demolition derby here. If I’m not stubbing my toes on ROOMBA, I’m stumbling over AIBO or getting my hair cut by AR DRONE. I’d love something soft to cuddle!”

“Me too” said NAO from just outside the door. “Me too, Me too!” shouted BIOLOID and LEGO NXT.  They ran in the door and wrapped themselves around Alice’s legs. She screamed and kicked. I had to separate them.

I carried my three robot cousins out of the office while Chief Designer and Winston comforted Alice. “Sorry Ras,” said NAO. “I thought she wanted to cuddle.”

“She does NAO. But she wants one of the new furry Teddy Bear robots.” Then I told them about about the new robot and they all wanted one. Which came as a surprise; I had had no idea my fellow robots were so uncomfortable in their own skin. I, for one, would never exchange my colorful, sleek exterior for a bunch of hair.

 What do you think?