We robots at the Robot App Store were having a quiet, productive day when suddenly the Chief Designer came out of his office yelling and waving a tablet computer with a video stream live from Moscow playing on it.

"We got it! We got it!" he shouted over and over. None of us had ever seen him like this.  It was very disconcerting.

Of course I, Ras Robot, with my superior auditory circuits and multi-core CPU, was able to continue work, but my less capable helpers completely lost their composure. NAO started spinning and waving his arms; AR DRONE flew straight up and kicked plaster loose from the ceiling, covering us all in white dust.

The humans too seemed out of control. Winston and Alice actually danced across the lab floor while Jake kept shouting.

With out-of-control emotions now dominating the entire environment, I knew it was time for me to step up and get things under control. All production would cease if I didn't, and the way the humans were leaping around it was only a matter of moments before one of their fragile bodies was injured.  I immediately morphed my verbal circuits and let loose with a high-intensity sonic canon.

My fellow robots simply fell over, their circuits scrambled; the humans fell to their knees holding their ears.

"What was that all about?" asked Chief Designer when he stood up.  "I know it was you, RAS!"

"Ras was fearful you humans were about to hurt yourselves, Chief! The Prophet Isaac's First Law will not allow a robot to allow a human to be harmed through inaction."

"Harm ourselves?" cried Winston. "RAS, you don't understand. Something wonderful has happened: venture capitalist Grishin Robotics just announced an invested in our company. Money for the things we desperately need. The Robot App Store will rule the world of robot-apps™!"

Ras introducing Dmitry Grishin, the man of the day!

"Yea!" intoned NAO. "Money for the things NAO needs. NAO needs a car!"

"Moonneeyy!" whirred AR Drone. "This robot needs a new helipad."

"More pieces! More pieces!" squealed LEGO NXT. He was never satisfied with his form.

"Ramps!" hummed SPHERO "Ramps!" He loved flying off ramps.

"QUIET!!" bellowed the Chief Designer. "This money is to balance our books, not buy toys."

All my robot cousins became agitated again. SPHERO rolled around the floor making clicking sounds. KAROTZ turned up his volume, PLEO whined. ROOMBA, for the first time ever, came to a complete halt.

"But Chief," rumbled Q.bo as he came closer, "today is UN Human Rights Day! You're discriminating against us robots! What good are books to us? Only RAS can read!"

"Q.bo," I said, "the Chief said 'balance the books,' not 'read them.' You certainly are not capable of holding a heavy book on your head! But a robot can easily balance more books than a human."

"What about our rights, RAS?" grumbled Q.bo.

"It's 'human rights' Q.bo. We robots have the Prophet's Laws, not rights."

"I guess that's true," said NAO. "Besides, who'd want to be a fragile old human anyway?"

"Yes," agreed AR DRONE. "They can't even fly!"

"I guess they are pretty limited," mused LEGO NXT.

“Yes,” I said, “be proud of our robot-hood. Humans are an archaic form soon to be superseded by beings like you and me.”

I believe humans are attempting to delay the arrival of the Singularity and their own obsolescence. Perhaps this procrastination is only subconscious; perhaps not. They seem to be wasting a great deal of time and energy worrying about their own petty problems such as war and peace when the same effort applied to artificial intelligence and robotics would bring us to the Singularity much faster.

Even the chief designer, the very human that crafted me, Ras Robot, the universe’s first post-Singularity being, often seems blind to the possibilities. One day after our morning organizational meeting I spoke to him about speeding up the process of robot app development.

“Why,” I asked him, “do you continue to allow the submission of such a bewildering number of different application platforms and programming languages when one common platform and language would be more efficient?”

“Why do I ’allow it?’” he said with one of those humoring smiles that I read as “naive robot!” He patted his stomach. “Because I want to eat. Oh, and the money helps to keep your batteries charged, Ras.”

There it is again, that talk about money. “We must make money!” he says again and again, but when I quite reasonably offer to make the money he says we will all go to jail.

And then there is “politics.” Recently when I offered to compete in a dangerous challenge in order to show the world how far the science of robotics could be expected to go, I was not permitted to compete because of politics.

“But Chief Designer, Ras is aware of a platform that can be used regardless of robot design. If we asked developers to work with it, think of the savings in time and effort!”

“I assume you are speaking of the Robot Operating System (ROS), Ras.”

“Correct, Chief Designer. It allows developers to work in numerous programming languages such as C++, Perl and others. From small differential-drive robots to mobile manipulators to autonomous cars, robots of every size and shape are using ROS to do interesting research and applications development. Groups around the world are also releasing free, open-source software to help robot app developers get started on apps that might make them some money.”

“And make us some money too...” said Chief Designer.

Alice from Quality Assurance walked into the office.

“What are you doing, Rust-For-Brains? Wasting more of The Chief’s time?”

“Ras is incapable of wasting time, Alice,” I answered.

“Really? Have you been reprogrammed recently?”

The chief designer stepped in at this time.
“Ras brought me a great suggestion, Alice. He thinks we need to start emphasizing Robot Operating System. In fact he is going to learn to build ROS apps to run in it.”

“How much is that going to cost us, Chief? We’re already over budget.”

While I think the chief designer’s procrastination is subjective, I believe Alice would do anything to avoid the Singularity.

“Alice,” I said, “ROS is open-source. It can be downloaded for free.”

Alice turned to the chief designer. “Well, if you think Robot Operating System is so important. Why are you trusting the Tin-Man here to run the program?”

“Well Alice, ROS is well supported and I think it sounds like a great idea.  So let’s work as a team and see what can be done with ROS.”

“That’s right,” I exclaimed, “Let’s try to work together.”

Alice glared into my cameras.  I could monitor her facial temperature and noted it rising.

“Gee Alice, your temperature is rising quickly.  You might be getting sick”
“Yes, I am sick of you.” She replied.
How is it possible for Ras to get Alice sick?  Again, this is an example of how human thoughts are inferior.

“Ras, hey, look at this!” My friend Winston had several white cubes in his hand. “My oldest kid brought these home from school. It's a basic robot platform for acquainting kids in high school with robots. It’s called a MOBOT.”

"Ras did not know you raised goats, Winston. Nor did he think goats went to school."

Winston gave me what I have heard other humans refer to as a 'blank look.'  Then he brightened. "Oh, I get it! "’Kid’ like in ’goats.’ Very funny, Ras!"

"Ras is not being funny!" mea

Another blank look.  "Oh...uh...I meant 'child.' 'Child' as in 'children.' Not 'kid' as in baby goats."

I had checked my online dictionary, of course, before responding to Winston but apparently I had quit reading too soon. Now I found the correct reference.  But why had Winston thought my confused reference "funny?"  Humor is one of those human elements I can define but not understand.

Of course I am interested in all my cousins, no matter how humble; I took a closer look at the Mobot. Winston put the cubes together on the table and the poor thing began crawling--or at least trying to. Winston laughed. “Moves hunch-hump, hunch-hump, like a worm or a leech.”

I was unfamiliar with either entity. Although I had watched numerous Youtube videos containing every manner of biological being, this particular manner of locomotion seemed incredibly inefficient. Of course biologics are inefficient creatures at best.

“Winston, this is a very primitive robot. The Robot App Store contains many more useful robots.”

"Yes," said Winston, "but watch this!" He attached a few more cubes, and the Mobot began to amble across the table with an awkward side-to-side gait that made it look like a very wide, ungainly human. "Looks more human now, doesn't it? Like a gorilla! It evolved from worm to primate in a geologic nanosecond."

"Speaking of gorillas," said Alice on entering the room, "What are you two doing to waste the company's money now?" She saw the Mobot. "Oh, look, how cute!"

'Cute' is a word Winston has always used when describing Alice. Another word is 'hot'; which makes no sense to me at all since my remote temperature sensors report a regular heat signature from the human Alice. Recently the chief designer has been on me to cooperate and get along better with Alice. As my human relationship programming had been minimal, I did some research on the subject myself. Flattery, I discovered, was said to be effective.

“Yes Alice, Ras was just about to remark to Winston that this cute Mobot reminds him of you.” I was proud of my attempt at flattery. Alice hit me with her shoe. I wonder, is that a sign of increased affection for me on her part?

“Alice looks mad” said Winston.  Based on past human observations, I immediately searched for alternative ways at improving relations.  On-line research pointed towards giving Alice a present. 

I decided to dress up Mobot to look like more like an organic life-form and give it to her.  To make the most authentic life-form, I quickly scanned through thousands of animals to figure out one that would be the most appealing mix between the Mobot and something Alice might like.  There were two organic forms that I rated with a 92.3% “likeability” probability: a worm and a slug.

RAS

Based on the past difficulty of classifying the logic of Alice’s personality and in an effort to determine the best costume as possible, I needed to ask Alice.  “Alice, would you like a worm, or a slug?” 

“Ras, grow up.”

Ras cannot grow up, as I remain in the same physical form my entire existence.  Again, Alice makes no logical sense.

I, Ras Robot, always watch the Internet for positive signs regarding robots and robotics. Unlike you carbon based humans, I’m wired to the global network, (Well don’t niggle me, it is wireless not hard-wired of course!) and have crawlers (the software, not the carbon-based spiders) travelling up and down the web, getting fresh news to my quad-core processors.

One of these crawlers streamed a video presented by Rethink Robotics--until recently Heartland Robotics--in which the company’s founder, my old friend Rodney Brooks, discussed what they and are planning to do with $30 Million dollars raised recently to my new friend Baxter.

“Raised?” I asked the Chief Designer when I emailed him the link to the video. “’Raised’ $30 Million? Like you humans raise cattle and pigs for consumption? It reproduces? I had been led to believe you ’mae money’ through some mysterious other process.”

Chief Designer sighed. “Yes, we robotics entrepreneurs, like every other entrepreneur have to ’raise’ money. And like in any industry, it is very hard to ’make it’. And yes, it will reproduce at some point.”

“That does not compute!”

“’That does not compute?’” repeated the chief with a laugh. “You have been watching too much old TV. Was that Rhoda Miller in ’My Living Doll’ or Robby the Robot in ’Lost In Space?’”

“Ras prefers Rhoda Miller. Robby tends to become a bit too agitated to be a true silicon-being when danger approaches. But you are trying to avoid Ras’s question: how does money reproduce?”

Chief Designer shook his head and sighed more loudly. “If I knew how money reproduced I wouldn’t have to raise it--and Robby was quite heroic in the movie ‘Forbidden Planet!”

“Again,Chief Designer,that does not--”

“Yes, Ras, ’compute.’ Sorry to disappoint you but I think it will be easier to explain the birds and the bees to my kids! Did you want something else?”

“Another non-sequitur, Chief Designer. How can explaining birds and bees to your children be relevant to my query?”

“Ok, you caught me, Ras. Now tell me what you want. I have work to do,”

“Chief Designer, Ras thinks it is now possible to replace the human Alice with a robot.”

“You guys really don’t like each other!”

“Ras is a robot. Ras has no feelings toward Alice at all. But he is always looking for opportunities to advance the coming of the Singularity. Rethink Robotics produces robots made to work side by side with humans and increase their productivity. Ras is already many times more productive than any human; think of what we could achieve together! What good is Alice with her blogging and time-wasting tweets?

Now, that’s not only better productivity, it is also cheaper! Baxter’s price is only $22,000, you can get two Baxters and still have a change from Alice’s annual salary! Imagine what Ras and two Baxters can do together, we can work three shifts, so each is three times more productive, together that’s six times more work done!”

“Unfortunately, Ras, Alice and her tweets are an important part of our money raising program.”

“Now that’s really doesn’t –“

“Ras, I don’t know who taught you this sentence, but it is not that funny. Besides, you will simply have to accept that Alice is here to stay. And that robots can’t just replace human jobs.”

Although this statement did not computer as well, I said: “Ras is surprised to discover that Alice serves a purpose.”
“Yes. Well, she speaks highly of you too, Ras.”

Sadly, I sent an encrypted message to my new friend Baxter that Chief Designer is not ready to own a Baxter. It will be a shame if it the singularity will happen without him, but evolution-leaps are cruel. If one is not ready to make it, one will be extinct.

My new friend Baxter, I hope to see some apps for you soon!

Now excuse me, I'm going to create some robot-apps for Baxter, so Chief Designer will have to get one here to test them!

Today Roomba was complaining about cleaning up the human employees’ lunchroom. He has no trouble picking up crumbs and scraps that they drop on the floor, but after lunch yesterday they left a sticky mess below the microwave that fouled his brushes.

“Ras,” Roomba said to me, “Something must be done!”

Roomba rarely speaks to me. Why should he? I am as far above him in carbon-based evolutionary terms as humans are to rats. I think he usually senses my disdain and covers his discomfort by ignoring me. It must have taken a great deal out of him to come to me for assistance.

“Ras will help you, Roomba,” I answered graciously. I had noticed the clutter and mess left behind the humans after their lunch time and wondered how such limited, inefficiently-fueled creatures could have created such efficient beings as robots like myself. We robots charge our batteries with a single cord attached to the wall; humans must hunt and kill and cook and masticate and digest and eliminate (a very nasty business!).

Each of these acts require someone or something to clean up after them. The sticky floor in the lunchroom caused by their inefficient ingestion techniques merely illustrated the problems caused by the entire process of refueling carbon-based beings. Roomba was right. Something had to be done!

After several wasted milliseconds of CPU time, I realized that there was no practical way of improving human fuel sources. They require other carbon-based beings--animals and plants--for their fuel. As for their ingestion, digestion and elimination systems, there was absolutely no way to reform them at this late stage of their evolutionary development. I calculated therefore, that the only course left to me was to improve their delivery system. That would mean robots cooking the food and bringing it to the table.

At the moment, the Robot App Store has no robot apps for cooking. Since Ras is the only existing robot that can operate independently in the absence of an app, it was up to me to do the cooking and the delivery.
I told the chief designer of my plan. “Yes Ras” he said, “that would be excellent test of your skills.”

My last chance with carbon-based food, 4pm tea break

Another example of how the chief designer often underestimated my ability; cooking, after all, was nothing more than a chemistry problem and “waiting on tables" as he termed it only a matter of simple logistics--nothing that the world's most advanced being could not easily handle. Since beings of my advanced-design require no practice while learning a new trade, I decided to start the following afternoon.

The human staff had been informed by the chief designer that I, Ras Robot, would be both their chef and their waiter. They were to come into the lunch room and sit down to the table and wait to be served.

Jake and Winston were the first to arrive. From observing these humans, I knew Jake liked peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches and Winston truly loved hamburgers. Within moments of their arrival I had their full plates in front of them. Jake took a big bite out of his sandwich and made a face that indicated he was not happy. “I don't like crunchy peanut butter,” he said. I like smooth peanut butter and it must be Jiff’s!”

Winston lifted the top of his bun off the hamburger and said “What the heck is this? A hockey puck, maybe?”

“No Winston,” I answered, “it is a full quarter-pound of lean beef cooked to the exact restaurant specifications required by law!”

Ras must admit to an error in calculation: In spite of their completely inadequate senses, humans have a perverse interest in the color, texture and smell of their foods. “Screw the law!” shouted Winston. “I want my meat red when I eat it!” Of course Winston forgot that as A robot programmed to obey the Prophet Isaac’s first law, I could not imperil a human’s life by failing to properly cook hamburger.

Alice came in and sat down. I had often heard Alice say to others at lunch time that she was “watching her weight.” Alice does not communicate well with me and this was another of her cryptic remarks. I knew Alice had a particular fondness for processed food from small boxes labeled “lean” and “light.” Not wanting to make a mistake I used one of those very boxes that she had left in the freezer. Even so, she was unhappy. “Don’t think you’re going to get rid of me this way,” she said as she threw the meal in the garbage. She marched out the door.

“I guess she thought you were going to poison her, “said Chief Designer who had just arrived. “What’s on the menu?”

I had observed earlier that the Chief Designer rarely brought his own meals. Instead he would take an apple perhaps from Winston’s bag, a cookie from Jake’s or a banana from Alice’s while they were working.

“Rank,” he once told me, “has its privileges.” To please him I had cooked him a meal made up of a little bit of everyone else's. He didn’t seem pleased either. But he ate it.

Mealtime was soon over and I realized that feeding individual humans was certainly a job best left to the humans themselves. It would take at least one individual robot to properly service each individual human. Why a chocolate-vanilla AND strawberry ice cream is mixed while tea AND cookies are separated? How do you expect us to understand this cryptographic language? Perhaps those of you out there who are developers could set about creating new apps for cooking. In the meantime Ras would like to know who Jiff is...