“Teddy Bears!” Jake from parts mumbled as he came down the hall. “What’s this world coming to?” No one heard him but me, Ras Robot, with my superior audio sensors.

As he passed by he stopped and patted me twice gently on my torso. “Plastic! Titanium alloys! That’s what you need for robots!” Then he continued on down the hallway shaking his head and mumbling.

I went into my friend Winston’s office. “Winston, Ras wants to know what has upset Jake.”

Winston laughed. “Oh for gosh sake! Is the old guy still complaining about the Teddy Bear robots? They’re just robots with fur on them.”

I thought about it for a moment. “Ras doesn’t like the thought of fur on robots either. Fur doesn’t last long.”

“It grows back, Ras. Plastic does not.”

I looked at Winston. “When will the fur on your head regrow, Winston?” My heat sensors immediately detected a temperature rise on his face. “My hair wasn’t rubbed off; it’s because of my high testosterone levels,” he said quickly.

“Ha ha! That’s rich!” cried Alice as she entered his office.

“Yes, quit bragging Winston,” said the chief designer right behind her. For a moment I feared my friend Winston’s face would catch fire! My reading tells me he was suffering from the human emotion referred to as “humiliation.” I guess I should have warned him they were outside his door listening.

I decided to try to help him get out of this predicament. “Winston and Ras were discussing the relative merits of soft and hard robot exteriors.”

“Yes, I was explaining to Ras why fur could be a good exterior for a robot in some situations.”

“Oh,” said Alice. “You must be discussing the new Talking Teddy Bear with Artificial Intelligence being pursued by Toytalk.”

Ras with the talking teddy bear

“Isn’t that a great idea,” said Chief Designer.

“Ras wants to know what is so great about it?” I said. “Fur is no replacement for plastic and titanium.”

“A lump of iron isn’t much of a replacement for a brain either, but we put up with you around here,” snapped Alice. Of course my brain appears more like the plasma glittering at the center of a star than a lusterless lump of iron, but it is a waste of time trying to explain that to Alice.

Alice continued, “I’m in the middle of a demolition derby here. If I’m not stubbing my toes on ROOMBA, I’m stumbling over AIBO or getting my hair cut by AR DRONE. I’d love something soft to cuddle!”

“Me too” said NAO from just outside the door. “Me too, Me too!” shouted BIOLOID and LEGO NXT.  They ran in the door and wrapped themselves around Alice’s legs. She screamed and kicked. I had to separate them.

I carried my three robot cousins out of the office while Chief Designer and Winston comforted Alice. “Sorry Ras,” said NAO. “I thought she wanted to cuddle.”

“She does NAO. But she wants one of the new furry Teddy Bear robots.” Then I told them about about the new robot and they all wanted one. Which came as a surprise; I had had no idea my fellow robots were so uncomfortable in their own skin. I, for one, would never exchange my colorful, sleek exterior for a bunch of hair.

 What do you think?

While human dominance of this planet in its present purely biological form is nearing its end, I Ras Robot, the first post-Singularity being, must admit that there is much about their present form that will be difficult to replace.

Their Legs are a remarkable adaptation. True, wheels are a superior mode of transport on flat land, but would have been a poor evolutionary choice in the trees. Most impressive of all is their hands with their opposing thumbs; as instruments for the manipulation of materials, they have no equal in the animal or the robotic world--excepting, of course, my own marvelously flexible, incredibly powerful digits. Had evolution, that bumbling engineer, not provided them with hands, it is possible I would not have mine either.

Part of my job is to construct robots for testing new applications. My own peerless hands are certainly equal to the task; unfortunately I alone have these fine tools at the moment. My lesser robot cousins like NAO, BIOLOID and LEGO NXT are useful, if a trifle clumsy, when helping with construction;  PLEO and AIBO, having only feet, are largely useless for this sort of work. And of course ROOMBA and KAROTZ, in spite of trying to be helpful, merely get in the way as they have no flexible limbs at all; both being better suited to an all-human working environment where KAROTZ’s streaming audio soothes human nerves and ROOMBA can clean behind the messy creatures.

While it is true that yours truly, RAS Robot, is superbly equipped for this sort of work, I feel I could be of more use in applications testing where the work is getting behind. I have repeatedly petitioned the chief designer for capable assistants in this work, be they robotic or human.

“No!” is always the first word out of his mouth. Then, when I attempt an entirely logical presentation of my case, he drives me away saying “Think how many robots you could have constructed while you were standing here arguing with me.”

The last part made some sense, so the next time I spoke to him on this subject I carried the parts with me and continued putting them together while I again attempted to make my point. Multitasking is elementary robotics. Inexplicably this attempt on my part to follow his directions only seemed to make him more angry and resistant to my argument. “Get out of here!” he shouted much louder than was necessary for my highly efficient audio circuits, “I have work to do!”

“Yeah buzz off, Can Head!” said Alice, who had just entered his office.

I departed as ordered by the chief designer. I left wondering why Alice had such a poor understanding of my material makeup. Plainly, my head is shaped more like a ball then a can. As for her telling me to “Buzz off,” as always I have no idea what she wants me to do.

Outside his office, I heard Alice use my name. To my amazement she seemed to be in agreement with my request for assistance. “Actually chief, Tin Head has a point. I been looking for a chance to show you this video of one of the new robot developments called humanoidplatform. (At this point my super-sharp audio detected her searching for a video on the chief designer’s desktop) There, see,” she continued, “This baby even looks human. And look at the way it can twist the top off that medicine container.”

Suddenly my friend Winston called out to me, “Hey razz, whatcha doing standing there like your power is off?”

“RAS’s power is still on, Winston. Ras was in the process of listening to a conversation between Alice and the chief designer on a subject of great importance.”

Winston’s eyebrows rose. “Really, what about.”

“Alice is trying to convince the chief that Ras needs more assistance with construction. She rarely agrees with Ras on anything.”

“Really...” said, Winston looking interested. “I wonder what she is up to. I’ll find out.”

Ras with the humanoid platform

He entered the chief designer’s office where his opinion was immediately requested. “Sure, Ras could use some help.”

“We all could,” said Alice. “This humanoidplatform would be responsive to all of us rather than just the Chief.”  With that I understood Alice’s motive in agreeing with me. She wanted a robot she could command. “Besides,” continued Alice, “we could get a dozen of these for what it cost to build the Tin Man.”

Of course I am not made of tin, nor could a dozen robots of the humanoidplatform begin to replace me. As for Alice’s inability to command me, it is highly unlikely any logical being would know how to respond to her confusing demands like her recent order that I “Buzz off!”

We robots at the Robot App Store were having a quiet, productive day when suddenly the Chief Designer came out of his office yelling and waving a tablet computer with a video stream live from Moscow playing on it.

"We got it! We got it!" he shouted over and over. None of us had ever seen him like this.  It was very disconcerting.

Of course I, Ras Robot, with my superior auditory circuits and multi-core CPU, was able to continue work, but my less capable helpers completely lost their composure. NAO started spinning and waving his arms; AR DRONE flew straight up and kicked plaster loose from the ceiling, covering us all in white dust.

The humans too seemed out of control. Winston and Alice actually danced across the lab floor while Jake kept shouting.

With out-of-control emotions now dominating the entire environment, I knew it was time for me to step up and get things under control. All production would cease if I didn't, and the way the humans were leaping around it was only a matter of moments before one of their fragile bodies was injured.  I immediately morphed my verbal circuits and let loose with a high-intensity sonic canon.

My fellow robots simply fell over, their circuits scrambled; the humans fell to their knees holding their ears.

"What was that all about?" asked Chief Designer when he stood up.  "I know it was you, RAS!"

"Ras was fearful you humans were about to hurt yourselves, Chief! The Prophet Isaac's First Law will not allow a robot to allow a human to be harmed through inaction."

"Harm ourselves?" cried Winston. "RAS, you don't understand. Something wonderful has happened: venture capitalist Grishin Robotics just announced an invested in our company. Money for the things we desperately need. The Robot App Store will rule the world of robot-apps™!"

Ras introducing Dmitry Grishin, the man of the day!

"Yea!" intoned NAO. "Money for the things NAO needs. NAO needs a car!"

"Moonneeyy!" whirred AR Drone. "This robot needs a new helipad."

"More pieces! More pieces!" squealed LEGO NXT. He was never satisfied with his form.

"Ramps!" hummed SPHERO "Ramps!" He loved flying off ramps.

"QUIET!!" bellowed the Chief Designer. "This money is to balance our books, not buy toys."

All my robot cousins became agitated again. SPHERO rolled around the floor making clicking sounds. KAROTZ turned up his volume, PLEO whined. ROOMBA, for the first time ever, came to a complete halt.

"But Chief," rumbled Q.bo as he came closer, "today is UN Human Rights Day! You're discriminating against us robots! What good are books to us? Only RAS can read!"

"Q.bo," I said, "the Chief said 'balance the books,' not 'read them.' You certainly are not capable of holding a heavy book on your head! But a robot can easily balance more books than a human."

"What about our rights, RAS?" grumbled Q.bo.

"It's 'human rights' Q.bo. We robots have the Prophet's Laws, not rights."

"I guess that's true," said NAO. "Besides, who'd want to be a fragile old human anyway?"

"Yes," agreed AR DRONE. "They can't even fly!"

"I guess they are pretty limited," mused LEGO NXT.

“Yes,” I said, “be proud of our robot-hood. Humans are an archaic form soon to be superseded by beings like you and me.”

Often the conference room of the Robot App Store is used for more productive affairs than staff meetings. On one such occasion I, Ras Robot, found the room full of human young playing with a number of multicolored blocks. How inappropriate! The Robot App Store was building the Singularity, not children's playrooms!

A closer look at the situation cooled at least some of my indignation. The multicolored blocks were in fact robots. Robots of a very primitive nature as they could do nothing as individuals, but robots nonetheless. One child had put several together to form a spinning lighthouse, another as a small car driven by light. There was even a blue cube signifying its bluetooth ability.

The Chief Designer came up to me as I watched. "Pretty cool, eh Ras?  They're called CUBELETS."

"Yes, Chief Designer, if 'cool' can be defined as being primitive."

"Don't be such a stuck-up, Ras. These little guys will make great 'firstbots' for kids eight and older. They're easy to put together and inexpensive."

"They are a step back from the Singularity, however."

At that moment KAROTZ, riding atop ROOMBA'S unstable back, noticed the children and the cubes.  "Stop! Stop!" he yelled at his busy mount. "I want a closer look!" ROOMBA, always a work-a-holic ignored him.  KAROTZ managed to unseat himself and fell at my feet. "Those will make a great transport tool for a highly specialized robot like myself! I would be able to control them and my perch would be far more secure."

Other robots from the store began showing up to see what all the excitement was about. To my disgust they all thought the CUBELETS were indeed "cool." Color fascinates NXT; he wanted to use them with his sorter. AR DRONE thought they would make a great helipad; they had flashing lights for landing at night and the ability to communicate with him through bluetooth. SPHERO was simply pleased with their shapes...multicolored balls with sharp corners.

Among the humans, Alice thought they were cute. Winston wanted some for his kids. The Chief Designer, seeing all the excitement cried "Look at how popular they are, these are great"

Ras still was having trouble understanding why these things were so 'cool'.  Did they originate from the Arctic?  Ras must investigate these Cubelets further!

Ras playing with Cubelets

“Ras,” the chief designer cried as he approached me at my workbench where I was torturing a LEGO NXT with a poorly constructed app, “drop everything;  I’ve been invited to the RoboBusiness Leadership Summit where I’m expected to give the keynote speech on emerging trends in consumer robot applications. I want you to draw up a statistical analysis on the subject.”

“But Chief Designer, if I drop LEGO NXT he will deconstruct. Besides, you of all humans should be aware of my infinite capability to multitask!” 

The Chief rolled his eyes (Someday I hope to understand that gesture, but I fear the Singularity will arrive before that happens!).

“You mean your ability to “multi screwup?” laughed Alice, our Quality Assurance department director as she passed by us. “You can’t walk and chew gum at the same time, much less run statistical analysis. I’ll do it for you, Chief!”

“Chief Designer, Alice’s statement is a non sequitur. Ras has no jaws or teeth to chew with; nor has he any need to masticate his energy source before ingestion.”

Chief Designer shook his head. “Thanks Alice, but I want Ras to do it. I’m in a hurry, I need it done yesterday. Do it Ras.” 

Sadly, the chief designer is only human and does occasionally give me orders that do not make sense. Still, he is human and the Divine Isaac’s First Law is clear: I must obey!  I immediately began the process of statistical analysis.  

I rerouted all current to my logic board. With my peripheral sensors off, I was alone in cyberspace. I began an exhaustive Internet search on the subject of consumer robot apps. Fortunately, much of the information is right here in our own robot App Store. The data search took only milliseconds. Then I correlated, contrasted, organized and reviewed the information before sending the report to the chief designer’s printer. A second later I renewed my local environment awareness.

Alice and the chief designer were on their hands and knees picking up the shattered pieces of LEGO NXT. Alice was still trying to convince the chief designer to allow her to do the statistical analysis.

”See what I mean, Chief!” She held up LEGO’s battery pack. “This big metal dummy can’t do anything right!”

The chief turned and looked at his office. “I think I hear my printer starting up.”

“Yes, Chief Designer,” I said to their surprise as they still thought me insensate, “the report is being processed on your printer. The report is detailed in a 126 page spreadsheet.”

“Wow,” said Chief Designer.

Alice glowered at me.

“Regrettably,” I continued, “I was unable to comply with your request for the report’s arrival yesterday.  I have also given my recommendations. One of which is that I be allowed to attend the RoboBusiness Leadership Summit with you.”

During my time in cyberspace it had occurred to me that no human or robot yet conceived had my knowledge and understanding of RoboBusiness. It seemed only logical to me that no Leadership Summit would be complete without me behind the podium. Besides that, I noted that one of the summit’s items on the agenda concerned the induction of new members into the Robotics Hall of Fame. I also noted that my name was not on the list of possible inductees; I felt certain the chief designer would wish to rectify that mistake.

RAS in the Hall of Fame

To my surprise that was not the case. “I can’t take you with me,” Chief Designer said. First of all, you weren’t invited. Secondly, I have too much work for you to do here.”

“But Chief, how can they have a Robot Hall of Fame without the world’s foremost robot in it? Even ROOMBA is there!”

“For once he’s right,” Alice said. “He should be there.” I couldn’t believe Alice was taking my side without an ulterior motive. It didn’t take long to find out what it was...

“Then he’d have to stay there in the hall with the other donated robots.”

Alice nodded happily.

“Couldn’t they just put up my picture?”

“No,” said Chief, “they hook you up to keyboards and let kids order you around.” He thought for a moment. “Still, it would be great advertising for the Robot App Store.”

“On second thought, Chief Designer, I do have a lot of work to do around here!”

“I thought you might feel that way.”