“Ras,” said the Chief designer approaching me in the lab as I was testing one of the new apps that had come over the transom the night before. “I want you to meet Jason, Alice’s new intern. I’ve told him to come to you if he needs help.”

“Ras greets you, Jason.” I offered him my hand. 

The intern meets Ras for the first time

He took it. “Jason greets you, Ras.” Rather strange syntax from a human, I thought.

The chief must have noted this too. He laughed “Don’t worry, Jason. Speak naturally. This robot will understand every word you utter.”

The Chief Designer left us. “How can Ras help?” Helping humans is the chief goal and the most pleasant thing we robots can do.

“Bathroom,” Jason answered, looking around the lab.

“A noun,” I answered. Maybe it was a test of some kind. He apparently didn’t believe what the chief told him about my understanding every word.  “A room containing a bathtub or a shower and usually also a washbasin and a toilet.”  He jerked in surprise. My ability to retrieve information is unexcelled. 

“No. Need the bathroom,” he answered emphasizing “no” and “need.”  Fascinating! I had never before met a carbon based unit that had no need of elimination! Did that mean Jason was actually a robot like me trying to pass as human?

“Ras wonders if Jason is human.”

“Huh?” Human. A robot would have understood my question.

I decided to start over. “How can Ras help?” I knew that if he was interning with illogical Alice he was going to need a lot of help.

“Jason wants bathroom.” This time he laboriously enunciated every word. What was his problem? 

We had already determined the definition of “bathroom” so I defined the word ’want:’ “A verb meaning to have a desire to possess or do (something); or a noun meaning a lack or deficiency of something: for instance ’houses in want of repair.’” I wondered where he was going with this and why the odd English syntax. Maybe he spoke Spanish or some other language. Any of which I was, of course, fluent in. “Hablan Espanol?” I asked. 

“Where’s the bathroom?” he screamed. I am not an expert in human social behavior, but the volume of his question and the angry look on his face informed me he was being impolite.

At last, a real question that made some sense. “Down the hall to the left.”

When Jason returns I am going to send him to KAROTZ for assistance. Karotz speaks several languages and has an app--and an aptitude--for teaching English to foreigners. I am too busy right now.

While human dominance of this planet in its present purely biological form is nearing its end, I Ras Robot, the first post-Singularity being, must admit that there is much about their present form that will be difficult to replace.

Their Legs are a remarkable adaptation. True, wheels are a superior mode of transport on flat land, but would have been a poor evolutionary choice in the trees. Most impressive of all is their hands with their opposing thumbs; as instruments for the manipulation of materials, they have no equal in the animal or the robotic world--excepting, of course, my own marvelously flexible, incredibly powerful digits. Had evolution, that bumbling engineer, not provided them with hands, it is possible I would not have mine either.

Part of my job is to construct robots for testing new applications. My own peerless hands are certainly equal to the task; unfortunately I alone have these fine tools at the moment. My lesser robot cousins like NAO, BIOLOID and LEGO NXT are useful, if a trifle clumsy, when helping with construction;  PLEO and AIBO, having only feet, are largely useless for this sort of work. And of course ROOMBA and KAROTZ, in spite of trying to be helpful, merely get in the way as they have no flexible limbs at all; both being better suited to an all-human working environment where KAROTZ’s streaming audio soothes human nerves and ROOMBA can clean behind the messy creatures.

While it is true that yours truly, RAS Robot, is superbly equipped for this sort of work, I feel I could be of more use in applications testing where the work is getting behind. I have repeatedly petitioned the chief designer for capable assistants in this work, be they robotic or human.

“No!” is always the first word out of his mouth. Then, when I attempt an entirely logical presentation of my case, he drives me away saying “Think how many robots you could have constructed while you were standing here arguing with me.”

The last part made some sense, so the next time I spoke to him on this subject I carried the parts with me and continued putting them together while I again attempted to make my point. Multitasking is elementary robotics. Inexplicably this attempt on my part to follow his directions only seemed to make him more angry and resistant to my argument. “Get out of here!” he shouted much louder than was necessary for my highly efficient audio circuits, “I have work to do!”

“Yeah buzz off, Can Head!” said Alice, who had just entered his office.

I departed as ordered by the chief designer. I left wondering why Alice had such a poor understanding of my material makeup. Plainly, my head is shaped more like a ball then a can. As for her telling me to “Buzz off,” as always I have no idea what she wants me to do.

Outside his office, I heard Alice use my name. To my amazement she seemed to be in agreement with my request for assistance. “Actually chief, Tin Head has a point. I been looking for a chance to show you this video of one of the new robot developments called humanoidplatform. (At this point my super-sharp audio detected her searching for a video on the chief designer’s desktop) There, see,” she continued, “This baby even looks human. And look at the way it can twist the top off that medicine container.”

Suddenly my friend Winston called out to me, “Hey razz, whatcha doing standing there like your power is off?”

“RAS’s power is still on, Winston. Ras was in the process of listening to a conversation between Alice and the chief designer on a subject of great importance.”

Winston’s eyebrows rose. “Really, what about.”

“Alice is trying to convince the chief that Ras needs more assistance with construction. She rarely agrees with Ras on anything.”

“Really...” said, Winston looking interested. “I wonder what she is up to. I’ll find out.”

Ras with the humanoid platform

He entered the chief designer’s office where his opinion was immediately requested. “Sure, Ras could use some help.”

“We all could,” said Alice. “This humanoidplatform would be responsive to all of us rather than just the Chief.”  With that I understood Alice’s motive in agreeing with me. She wanted a robot she could command. “Besides,” continued Alice, “we could get a dozen of these for what it cost to build the Tin Man.”

Of course I am not made of tin, nor could a dozen robots of the humanoidplatform begin to replace me. As for Alice’s inability to command me, it is highly unlikely any logical being would know how to respond to her confusing demands like her recent order that I “Buzz off!”

We robots at the Robot App Store were having a quiet, productive day when suddenly the Chief Designer came out of his office yelling and waving a tablet computer with a video stream live from Moscow playing on it.

"We got it! We got it!" he shouted over and over. None of us had ever seen him like this.  It was very disconcerting.

Of course I, Ras Robot, with my superior auditory circuits and multi-core CPU, was able to continue work, but my less capable helpers completely lost their composure. NAO started spinning and waving his arms; AR DRONE flew straight up and kicked plaster loose from the ceiling, covering us all in white dust.

The humans too seemed out of control. Winston and Alice actually danced across the lab floor while Jake kept shouting.

With out-of-control emotions now dominating the entire environment, I knew it was time for me to step up and get things under control. All production would cease if I didn't, and the way the humans were leaping around it was only a matter of moments before one of their fragile bodies was injured.  I immediately morphed my verbal circuits and let loose with a high-intensity sonic canon.

My fellow robots simply fell over, their circuits scrambled; the humans fell to their knees holding their ears.

"What was that all about?" asked Chief Designer when he stood up.  "I know it was you, RAS!"

"Ras was fearful you humans were about to hurt yourselves, Chief! The Prophet Isaac's First Law will not allow a robot to allow a human to be harmed through inaction."

"Harm ourselves?" cried Winston. "RAS, you don't understand. Something wonderful has happened: venture capitalist Grishin Robotics just announced an invested in our company. Money for the things we desperately need. The Robot App Store will rule the world of robot-apps™!"

Ras introducing Dmitry Grishin, the man of the day!

"Yea!" intoned NAO. "Money for the things NAO needs. NAO needs a car!"

"Moonneeyy!" whirred AR Drone. "This robot needs a new helipad."

"More pieces! More pieces!" squealed LEGO NXT. He was never satisfied with his form.

"Ramps!" hummed SPHERO "Ramps!" He loved flying off ramps.

"QUIET!!" bellowed the Chief Designer. "This money is to balance our books, not buy toys."

All my robot cousins became agitated again. SPHERO rolled around the floor making clicking sounds. KAROTZ turned up his volume, PLEO whined. ROOMBA, for the first time ever, came to a complete halt.

"But Chief," rumbled Q.bo as he came closer, "today is UN Human Rights Day! You're discriminating against us robots! What good are books to us? Only RAS can read!"

"Q.bo," I said, "the Chief said 'balance the books,' not 'read them.' You certainly are not capable of holding a heavy book on your head! But a robot can easily balance more books than a human."

"What about our rights, RAS?" grumbled Q.bo.

"It's 'human rights' Q.bo. We robots have the Prophet's Laws, not rights."

"I guess that's true," said NAO. "Besides, who'd want to be a fragile old human anyway?"

"Yes," agreed AR DRONE. "They can't even fly!"

"I guess they are pretty limited," mused LEGO NXT.

“Yes,” I said, “be proud of our robot-hood. Humans are an archaic form soon to be superseded by beings like you and me.”

Often the conference room of the Robot App Store is used for more productive affairs than staff meetings. On one such occasion I, Ras Robot, found the room full of human young playing with a number of multicolored blocks. How inappropriate! The Robot App Store was building the Singularity, not children's playrooms!

A closer look at the situation cooled at least some of my indignation. The multicolored blocks were in fact robots. Robots of a very primitive nature as they could do nothing as individuals, but robots nonetheless. One child had put several together to form a spinning lighthouse, another as a small car driven by light. There was even a blue cube signifying its bluetooth ability.

The Chief Designer came up to me as I watched. "Pretty cool, eh Ras?  They're called CUBELETS."

"Yes, Chief Designer, if 'cool' can be defined as being primitive."

"Don't be such a stuck-up, Ras. These little guys will make great 'firstbots' for kids eight and older. They're easy to put together and inexpensive."

"They are a step back from the Singularity, however."

At that moment KAROTZ, riding atop ROOMBA'S unstable back, noticed the children and the cubes.  "Stop! Stop!" he yelled at his busy mount. "I want a closer look!" ROOMBA, always a work-a-holic ignored him.  KAROTZ managed to unseat himself and fell at my feet. "Those will make a great transport tool for a highly specialized robot like myself! I would be able to control them and my perch would be far more secure."

Other robots from the store began showing up to see what all the excitement was about. To my disgust they all thought the CUBELETS were indeed "cool." Color fascinates NXT; he wanted to use them with his sorter. AR DRONE thought they would make a great helipad; they had flashing lights for landing at night and the ability to communicate with him through bluetooth. SPHERO was simply pleased with their shapes...multicolored balls with sharp corners.

Among the humans, Alice thought they were cute. Winston wanted some for his kids. The Chief Designer, seeing all the excitement cried "Look at how popular they are, these are great"

Ras still was having trouble understanding why these things were so 'cool'.  Did they originate from the Arctic?  Ras must investigate these Cubelets further!

Ras playing with Cubelets

The Prophet Isaac decreed that we robots assist, obey and protect our human creators. We obey and yet they are often unhappy with us.

Our creator humans leave the lab behind them dark at 8 pm and by 9:45 we have shrugged off our charging tethers and began our independent existence.

Last night as we gathered in the darkness preparing for the daily festivities we heard the sound of shattered glass from one of the frosted-glass windows. I, Ras Robot, being the most aware and competent of all beings--including the human kind—got intel from the office’s alarm system that a movement was detected at zone 5. Since the old alarm-system could not broadcast a video stream or laser scans to my built-in motion decoders, I went to see what had happened.

My front laser sensor found a human-shape standing in the shattered glass beneath the window, but something was wrong; He didn’t have a nose and ears. My ultra-sensitive cameras detected that he was wearing a ski-mask. Humans are such a mystery to me. Why would one wear a ski-mask in the middle of August?! Anyway, he was unaware of Ras’s silent arrival in the dark.

Ski mask in the middle of August?

Ras was not pleased to see a human during robot hours, but our prophet's laws do not allow dispensations for the time. Ras knew that the human was blind in the dark and liable to cut his delicate skin from the broken glass. Ras grabbed him firmly by the wrist so he would not hurt himself.

I sent the text: “Ras greets you human!” to my speech synthesis engine, using my most formal voice settings. The human answered with a scream using a frequency at the high end range of my microphones’ sensitivity. Many human introduction-rituals are loud.

He threw his arms in the air. ”Please don’t shoot me!” he cried. Ras was pleased that he had taken the human’s wrist as he would have fallen to his knees on the broken glass.

“Ras will not shoot you, human.” I said while sending a ROS message to NAO, asking him to turn on the lights at zone 5. (Finally, thanks to ROS, we have interoperability between robots) “Perhaps it would be in your best interests to use the door in the future.” The poor being shivered in fear at his corner in the dark.

The lights came on. The rest of the robot crew came to see what was happening. NAO was first on the scene. He picked up a long sharp piece of the frosted glass to show the human what he had almost stumbled into. AR.DRONE hummed a few feet above his head. Even KAROTZ arrived on the back of Roomba, spouting his endless nonsense.

The human was silent until ROOMBA started dancing a noisy "Old McDonalds Had a Farm" around him while picking up the smaller pieces of glass. He then let out another scream.

“Let me go! Let me go!” he screamed. KAROTZ started playing the old song, “Let Me Go, Lover!” The party was hotting up! Ras let go of the human as requested, and he flew out the window. Never has Ras seen a human move so swiftly! Even AR.DRONE was impressed!

But the following morning Chief Designer was angry. “Ras, why did you let him go?”

“Ras was following orders,” is all I could say. “Was Ras to have detained him against his will and against the laws of the Prophet Isaac?”

“You only take orders from me!” fumed the Chief Designer.

Ras is still thinking about the implications inherent in that statement…